I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I said "one day" and that day is not today
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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