He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
