He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
