he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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