party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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