That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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