my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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