She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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