paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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