he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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