so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Holy shit dude........stairs
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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