I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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