Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
