i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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