Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
