I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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