Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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