oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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