I cut my penus on the lid.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
