I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
