He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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