So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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