so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize