i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
