Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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