I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
don't judge my taste in strippers
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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