Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Last time i carry you out of a forest
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
