ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
