Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
