When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
