You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Pooping to opera.
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