i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
