Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
