Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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