96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
third nipple confirmed
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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