My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
