so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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