i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
