got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
