Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
