I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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