I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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