As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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