Umm I'm too high to move.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
