glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
how drunk are you?
Several
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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