You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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