I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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