shes about as inviting as chlamydia
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
