Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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