That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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