Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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