ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
