After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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